A Gospel-Centered Approach to Sexuality, Community, and Pastoral Care in the Church

Written by Brittany Clark

This past fall, in the article, “What the Church Needs to Know about Singleness” I wrote about how God changed my perspective on Christian singleness, especially my own experience of such. I shared how I discovered that it is the collaboration of both the gift of marriage and the gift of singleness that paints the gospel picture for the Church to live into and for the world to see.  And I shared how I grew to trust God as the Giver of good gifts to give me whichever of these as He sees fit. And yet, as I have recognized that marriage should not be understood to be the default, I also recognize that issues relating to sexuality persist, both in the world and within the Church. As God chooses to give some the gift of singleness, the reality is that not everybody will get married.  Just as much of a reality is the fact that God created humanity as sexual beings. Many at some point in their lives find themselves at the crossroads of these two realities. And they are asking questions like, Does my sexuality serve a purpose as a single person? What am I supposed to do with my sexuality if I never marry? Doesn’t my experience as a sexual being necessitate that I marry? 

What we have been experiencing in the debate over human sexuality has much to do with many finding the Church to fall short in providing answers. Sadly, many of the answers that have been given have largely been rooted in discipleship to the world rather than to Jesus. Though we as the Church may have fallen short in the past, the tide is turning. Even as many are looking to the world, it is only through the Church proclaiming the truth of the gospel in the power of the Holy Spirit that we can offer the answers that so many desperately need. As you may be pondering where your discipleship in the area of sexuality is rooted, I offer the question, Is God cruel for creating an individual as a sexual being and subsequently giving them the gift of singleness? I suggest taking a moment to pause and assess what is stirred within you in response to such a question. Maybe you’ve asked yourself this before or maybe it is the first time you are considering it; wherever you find yourself, I hope that as you continue to read, you will see greater depths of the beauty in the gospel as God has pictured it in our being created as sexual beings. Helping each member of our congregations gain the clarity to view this picture supports our churches in providing the needed pastoral care for the sexually broken (i.e. all of us). I hope that each member of the Christian Reformed Church will seek to play a role in our being a denomination that cares well in the process of addressing all forms of sexual brokenness. I see this being accomplished by growing our understanding of the gospel picture found in our sexuality, by allowing our sexuality to direct us to our oneness as the Church, and by surrendering all aspects of our sexuality to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. 

Sexuality and the Gospel 

God was intentional in creating the sexes. One of the significant aspects of the distinction between the male and female bodies is the way it speaks to the nature of our relationship with God. God is the giver and we have nothing apart from Him, so we are to be in the humble posture of receiving. Once we receive from Him, we image Him by giving from the abundance we have received. We have received life from Him. Now full of gratitude for the life we have been given, we offer it back to Him. We see this displayed in how the male body is a picture of giving and the female body is a picture of receiving. With this, we also see how the female body with the capacity to give birth is a picture of how we are to take what was received and in return, become a giver. The picture is evident within the bodies themselves regardless if they are ever joined with the other. As it is put in the Theology of the Body, “our bodies are not merely biological but also theological” (John Paul II). One does not need to experience the sexual bodily union to understand this picture. The simple reality of having a sexed body has the potential to lead us to God. His design and intentions for the body ultimately reveal the gospel story. We have been made for God, apart from Him we have nothing. The masculine/feminine partnership and the physical desires for a bodily union that we experience both play a part in helping us to know this story. Whether one is married and is embodying this story with their spouse, or single and holding these desires before the Lord, we must all learn to interpret what our bodies are communicating. Rather than allowing our expression of these desires to fall short or suppressing them altogether, we should allow them to shift our gaze beyond what is immediate to that which is eternal.

Upon reading the term “sexuality,” various notions may come to mind from one individual to the next. Yet, it is important to recognize that there is more to human sexuality than marriage and the bodily union of husband and wife. God has created humanity with certain desires and longings, with the need for loving connection. This is true of the married and the unmarried alike. And while sin and the fall of humanity have brought about distortions within these desires, there remains God-given significance to them, regardless of our marital status. The bodily union is not a human need, yet God was purposeful in creating humanity with the capacity and inclination toward such a union. Similar to the way our bodily hunger for physical food gives us a tangible/felt experience of our hunger for Him who is the Bread of Life, when we experience the desires for a bodily union with another therein lies a tangible/felt experience of our longing to be made one with Him for Whom we have been created. When we experience these desires for a sexual bodily union and choose to refrain from indulging them, it is a picture and reminder that we are yet awaiting the consummation of the marriage between Christ and His bride, the Church. And this allows us to reorient our longings toward this anticipated marriage. 

Choosing to refrain is not limited to those who are single; all of us have opportunities to reorient our longings. For example, there are instances when one who is married is being drawn toward their spouse with desires for this bodily union but for one reason or another, their spouse cannot come together with them at that time. There are also times when a couple may intentionally choose to fast together from their bodily union for prayer as Paul indicates in 1 Corinthians. While it can be tempting to try to ignore the existence of the desires in these moments, it is important in these instances that each can take their desires and lift their gaze toward union with Him for Whom they have been created. Having done so, each spouse will be able to approach their bodily union with one another with a greater understanding of what it is that they are embodying. And so we see, fasting makes known the reality of our longings just as much if not more than the practice of feasting. If we allow ourselves, we’ll find this true not only in fasting from food but also the bodily union. The feasting of this life is merely a preview of what God has in store for us in the next, and so we fast now in full assurance of what is to come. Pastor Tyler Stanton has used the illustration of cake batter and a fully baked cake when speaking on healing in this life as a sign of the Kingdom to come. The batter is the sign and the cake is the substance of the sign. This illustration could apply to the sexual bodily union as well. The bodily union is the sign and the Church’s complete union with Christ is the substance of that sign. If we withhold from consuming the batter now, it is because we have full assurance that there is a cake to come. “Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding feast of the Lamb” (Rev. 19:9)! We fast so that we may increase our appetites for the feast. 

“Jesus answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom mourn while he is with them? The time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them; then they will fast.” - Matthew 9:15

These reflections on our sexuality and the gospel are a simple scratching of the surface. There is much more that could be expounded upon in light of our salvation being received as a new birth after the penetration of the incorruptible seed within our hearts (1 Pt. 1:23). “God’s creation of human beings in his image as male and female was designed to point toward the ultimate purpose for human beings in communion with God in Christ. Thus sexuality was designed all along to reflect this communion. Marriage itself will pass away, but its ultimate meaning will endure in the kingdom and family of God” (CRCNA Executive Summary of the HSR). We will do well by continuing to grow in our understanding of our sexuality as it correlates to this gospel.

Sexuality and the Church

Our sexuality and our human need for intimacy are at the very least closely connected. This connection is clear when individuals have their intimacy needs met versus being unmet. Being deeply seen, heard, and known, their desire for the sexual bodily union and temptations toward inappropriate expressions of such are greatly diminished. The CRC’s Human Sexuality Report notes regarding living in Christian community, “Many single believers living alone find that loneliness triggers temptation toward sexual sin via porn use, hook-ups, or other ungodly relationships. In contrast, the ordinary daily interaction of meals, chores, and prayers with a fellow Christ follower can be a healthy way to meet the basic deep-rooted need for intimacy that all humans share” (pg. 124). The strong drive for a sexual connection is often derived from a lack of deeply intimate relational connections. The two are so closely related that our desires and needs become intertwined to the extent that they can seem indistinguishable without stopping to take an assessment. This has led many to believe that their sexual desires need to be fulfilled to live a complete and satisfying life. Some may even seek to fulfill their sexual desires as a shortcut to having their needs met. In many ways, it is more vulnerable and therefore difficult to disrobe our souls by allowing ourselves to be fully seen and known than it is to disrobe our bodies and engage in the physical act of sex. In the end, a mere sexual encounter will never be able to meet our needs. In the right place and context, we must be willing to be vulnerable at a deeper level. 

The interconnection of our sexual desires and our need for intimacy speaks to God’s intentions for our sexuality as being creatures designed for relationships. The ultimate reality of the one-flesh union is that of Christ and His Church. We see this one-flesh union scripturally with Christ as the head and the Church as His body. Contemplating this one-flesh union toward which marriage and the sexual bodily union are directing us, I have found it to be yet another indicator of this close tie between human sexuality and it not being good for humanity to be alone. In the marriage of Christ and the Church, there is one Bridegroom and one bride. Therefore the unity of the Church as one body is essential. This oneness comes through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit but how is it embodied?  It is through deeply intimate and loving relationships among Christian brothers and sisters. We as the Church often sell ourselves short when it comes to fellowship. Koinonia, the Greek word usually translated as fellowship in Scripture, has deeper meanings of oneness, intimacy, and communion. Strong’s Biblical Greek dictionary defines it as, “partnership, i.e. (literally) participation, or (social) intercourse, or (pecuniary) benefaction:—(to) communicate(-ation), communion, (contri-)distribution, fellowship” (G2842). It is a partnership of communion in which we all participate. And it is intercourse in the sense of it being a connection between persons and an exchange between them of thoughts and emotions. This is the fellowship we are called to with God and one another as the Church. So in the end, our sexuality is not simply meant to lead us to the one-flesh union of man and woman found in marriage but it is to lead us to be joined to Christ and the other members of His body. Both the oneness of husband and wife and the oneness of the Church have the potential to direct us to the ultimate one-flesh union and our eternal reality.  

So, what will it take to re-envision our approach to fellowship in a way that goes beyond potential and leads us to live out our eternal reality? In many cases, it will begin with an assessment.  When visitors enter your worship service, do they find distinct pockets of biological families, married couples, and singles? Or are they met by the one true family of God where in the immediate it is largely indistinguishable which individuals are married, single, or biologically from the same family? When members of the body of Christ are gathered, there is no such thing as a third wheel. We are members of one body, we belong to one another, and with God as our Father, we are the truest form of brothers and sisters. So, how does the reality of the family of God affect how you interact with others on Sunday mornings, where you choose to sit during services, and even how you envision holidays and vacations? “In heaven (eternity), your spouse won't be your spouse, but they will be your brother or your sister, and so for that matter will the person you sit next to during the sermon, or knock arms with in worship, or do rota swaps with” (livingout.org). We need couples to foreshadow the coming reality of Christ and the Church through their marriages and we need singles to help us to remember that we are yet awaiting our wedding day. At the same time, each of us has an eternal reality to live into as members of God’s family here and now. 

Many scriptures commonly used within the context of a wedding refer to the Church as brothers and sisters. When it comes to loving relationships, the New Testament overwhelmingly speaks to the sibling relationships of the Church. In many ways, an idolization of marriage has usurped our understanding of the Biblical call to love one another. There is no doubt that marriage is a high calling of self-giving love and covenantal commitment. However, as Christians, we are all called to self-giving love and covenantal commitment to one another even when it is not easy or pleasurable. Also testifying to this usurpation is the observation within the Church of the assumed need to love one’s spouse more than anyone else. But Biblical marriage does not indicate greater love for one’s spouse over the body of believers. Scripture does call for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. And we know that Christ’s love for her was revealed in the laying down of His life. At the same time, we know that He died for all. Jesus said it Himself, “Greater love has no one than to lay down his life for his friends.” And, “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” This is to include one’s spouse, but it is not limited to one’s spouse. Married brothers and sisters, I don’t want you to hear me wrong. This is not a call for you to love your spouse less. On the contrary, it is a call to the whole body to a greater embodiment of love for one another in alignment with Jesus’ command. While marriage is a unique expression of self-giving love and covenantal commitment, it is not the only expression of self-giving love and covenantal commitment. So we must be sure that our definition of marriage is not limited to such. 

Sexuality and Discipleship

“My heart was saying,

"Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long." The Lord was answering,

"I must teach you to long for something better."

- Elisabeth Elliot

Humanity being created as sexual beings means as a part of our whole self-surrender to Jesus, there is a discipleship that is necessary in the area of sexuality. There are multiple forms of sexual brokenness, but there is just one gospel that is sufficient to cover them all.  Each one of us, no matter our sexual brokenness, needs to know how this good news is sufficient in our lives. Though, in many ways, sex has been made to be taboo within the Church which has stagnated discipleship and the surrendering of our sexuality to the Lord. When it comes to sexual discipleship, Jesus upped the ante. Through His teaching, we know that discipleship is not merely about our actions, but it is about the state of our hearts. But is this the way the Church has approached sexual discipleship in recent history? So much of Christian discipleship especially in the area of sexuality has been geared toward behaviors. With this, the denial of our desires has been sold as the solution to keeping us from inappropriate actions. But this has often proven to backfire when those desires can no longer be ignored. 

Christian discipleship should direct each individual toward stewardship of our sexuality and a righteous expression of our longings and desires. This goes beyond simply turning a blind eye toward that which tempts us. God has something for each of us within the desires that He has given. Stewarding those desires entails digging beneath the surface to discover what He has for us and how that has been distorted through the fall. Our sexuality and the longings and desires that come with being human are not an on/off switch to be flipped on for an individual if they enter into a marriage covenant. Though, whether implicitly or explicitly, many of us raised in the Church were taught to turn off any longing for a bodily union with another. At the very least we were taught to dim those desires as much as possible; often with the false promise of marriage as the reward on the other side. Rather, Jesus longs for all of us to come under His Lordship. This calls for our submitting to Him each desire, every thought pattern, and all that we long for. We must learn to ask, “What here is good?” and “What here has been distorted?” Might we as the Church turn away from instructing a dismissal of these desires and toward aiding others in bringing them, distortions and all, directly to Jesus?

As we seek to surrender all aspects of our sexuality to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, it is important to recognize that none of us will have the desires associated with it fully satisfied in this life. Our longings are meant to direct us to the life to come. The forthcoming marriage of Christ and the Church should take precedence for us above any temporal expression of our longings. No matter who you are, your sexuality serves a purpose in the kingdom of God. While sexuality has been distorted in all of us in one way or another, God's good design of creating us as sexual beings still lies within. However, we must continually be submitting ourselves to Him to uncover this good design. Seeking to reveal Him and His design, it is paramount that we do not allow the kingdom of this world to dictate our expression of sexuality. So what will it look like for us to make Jesus Lord over this area of our lives? For many of us, it will be trusting in His ways even when we do not understand them. It will be denying what has come to feel most true to us. In many cases, it will also require walking away from situations and relationships that have become most comfortable for us. It is almost a guarantee that this will not be easy. Many forces are working against our proclaiming God’s good news through the submission of our deepest longings. However, within our relationship with Him who is all-sufficient and with unwavering hope for what lies ahead, we can relinquish our sexuality into the hands of Him who created it. 

The CRCNA Moving Forward

And so I ask again, as a thirty-five-year-old woman with the gift of singleness, is God cruel for creating me as a sexual being and then choosing to gift me in this way? I admit that there was a time in my life that I would have answered yes. Though, as I have been granted the clarity to see the gospel through the lens of sexuality, I have found a great deal of freedom and joy. And I have grown to understand and love the Gospel with greater depth. Ultimately my sexuality directs me to the One for whom I have been created and it makes known the good news that I am fully known and deeply loved. So with it, I have found great purpose even as I live into the gift of singleness. Even so, it is not always easy and there are still times when it can feel cruel. Yet, I know the character of God and in these moments, I must draw near to Him and remind myself of who He is.

“You are good and do good, teach me your statutes” - Psalm 119:68

I am confident that the Lord has more for me to discover in my understanding of the gospel picture found in my sexuality, that He is continually using it to direct me to join myself to the body, and that He is leading me to surrender greater depths of my sexuality to Him. And I am confident that we, collectively as the Christian Reformed Church, will successfully move forward as pastors, council members, and congregants continually seek to grow in our understanding of the gospel as it is made known through sexuality. All while receiving God’s goodness in it regardless of where we find ourselves. And I truly believe that as we allow this good news to direct us to live into our oneness with each other, we will find greater levels of joy in surrendering all aspects of our sexuality to the Lordship of Christ. This is the part we all play, as we turn our attention to pastoral care.