Help “Sexual Minorities” Without Belittling Them
Help “Sexual Minorities” Without Belittling Them
Written by Anthony Sytsma
One of the best books I’ve read in recent years is The Coddling of the American Mind. In the book, Lukianoff and Haidt carefully explain how our safetyism and overprotectiveness with children is actually harmful. Our good intentions are making youth more fragile. For example, overprotecting children from challenging ideas can eventually make them prone to depression and anxiety whenever hearing ideas that they don’t agree with. The lesson is that it can be harmful to treat children as weaker than they actually are.
As Christians, when we try to help ethnic minorities, “sexual minorities,” or those who are materially poor, we may make similar types of mistakes. We may have good intentions, but if we belittle, patronize, or coddle the people we are trying to help, assuming that they are weak or fragile, we may actually harm them while trying to help. Popularized critical theory and the oversimplification of people into binary categories of oppressor/oppressed, powerful majority/disadvantaged minority, may be a large part of the reason that we have come to coddle these types of people. It’s important to stand with the vulnerable, but the goal should be to strengthen disadvantaged groups rather than to keep them feeling vulnerable and powerless. In fact, even the categories that the culture makes I think are often unhelpful and part of the problem. I am only using the term “sexual minorities” in this article in order to critique this grouping that the culture has made. It is a problematic and unhelpful term as this article will demonstrate. (For additional concerns about the term “sexual minority,” see Kevin DeYoung’s excellent article)
I’m passionate about this topic because my missionary work is focused on teaching the curriculum I helped to write called Helping Without Hurting in Africa. It is based on the book When Helping Hurts and is all about caring for the poor and community development. One of the many ways we belittle the materially poor is by treating them as helpless, desperate, and unable to do anything to change their situation using their own resources. We think they can only survive through our ongoing handouts. We feel satisfaction being the donor and rescuer of the materially poor and so we create dependency. The result is often feelings of shame and inferiority among the materially poor, and feelings of pride and superiority in ourselves. Of course, the right approach is to partner together, helping materially poor people to use their gifts, skills, and resources to work to support themselves, along with our assistance and encouragement. We walk with them to move towards positive change for all of us together, rather than treating them as a separate type of people who are radically different from us.
Belittling “Sexual Minorities”
There is another type of belittling taking place today by some revisionist churches who are trying to show love to “sexual minorities.” In using this term they seem to usually refer mainly to people who experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria. I believe that revisionist churches view “sexual minorities” as less able to live out a faithful Christian life under the traditional biblical view of sexuality and gender. They claim that the traditional view results in an unfair amount of unfulfilled desire and suffering for Christians with same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria compared to “regular” Christians. They believe that all Christians suffer from imperfect and broken sexuality, but the traditional position would force people they call “sexual minorities” to bear a greater level of suffering in their sexuality that they cannot be expected to bear.
Please don’t misunderstand my analogy. This type of belittling is quite different from the belittling we sometimes practice concerning materially poor people as I described above. After all, revisionist Christians do an excellent job of taking the time to listen to people who experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria, showing them compassion, and encouraging them to serve in leadership positions. Nevertheless, they still set them apart in terms of thinking that they are less able to handle suffering for Christ, and this leads them ultimately to a rejection of the Bible’s teaching on sexuality. They do a good job of including people who experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria, but then unfortunately they treat them as weaklings, even if they do so unintentionally.
Let me give just two examples of what this belittling looks like. First, I remember watching a Synod some years ago and hearing a respected pastor give a moving speech about how much he treasures the love and companionship of his wife, and he couldn’t imagine how cruel it would be to tell Christians who are gay that they are not allowed to enjoy the delight of marriage. It would be incredibly unfair of him to not allow them to experience what he treasures so much in his own life. Second, I remember multiple social media conversations in which revisionists argued that the gender dysphoria experienced by some Christians is daily so traumatic that if we do not make sure to affirm their gender identity, we will very likely cause them to commit suicide. These two examples illustrate deep hurt and anguish. It would be very painful indeed to strongly desire to get married but feel unable because of having no attraction to the opposite sex. And if you felt like your body was mismatched with your mind, identity, and personality, it could make most days dark and depressing.
I have no desire to minimize these types of suffering. Yet I also do not want to minimize the suffering other Christians go through. I strongly reject the coddling of people experiencing same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria and separating them off into their own group, and this is one of the reasons why I don’t appreciate the term “sexual minorities.” These Christians are not less able to bear their suffering out of obedience to Christ compared to other Christians who also experience diverse types of suffering throughout life, including suffering related to sexuality and gender.
If we consider the suffering of other Christians, it can help us to stop belittling people who experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria and stop treating them as some kind of other group. Consider the suffering that results from our brokenness in our sexuality:
Some of us are single and experience unfulfilled sexuality. We regularly fight temptations to have casual hookups or delve into pornography, but we struggle to remain obedient to Christ.
Some of us are single and very happy (see my article touching on singleness). But some of us deeply long to be married and haven’t found a spouse. We may daily feel intense longing for companionship, romance, and sexual intimacy. We feel unattractive, rejected and lonely.
Some of us are married but live in broken marriages full of conflict, and desperately long to be single, but we remain married instead of divorcing out of obedience to Christ.
Some of us have been deeply wounded by our spouse’s sexual sin, but we have chosen to forgive and bear that pain rather than divorce because of our love for Christ.
Some of us suffer daily turmoil and rejection in marriages where there is no love, romance or affection. We long to secretly indulge in a side relationship with someone who actually has shown care and interest in us, but we remain obedient to Christ.
Some of us suffer in sexless marriages because sex is physically painful for one spouse, yet we refuse to satisfy ourselves through porn, adultery or divorce.
Some of us suffer with sexual problems in marriage because our spouse has traumatic memories of rape or sexual abuse, and it is too painful to engage in sex or even some kinds of more basic physical touch.
Some of us suffer loneliness because our spouse has died, and we cry out daily to God about how unfair it feels that God would have allowed him or her to die. Sometimes we just wish we could have died with him or her.
Some of us experience such debilitating mental health disorders, such as bi-polar or schizophrenia, that every day is a struggle. No one is willing to be married to us. Some of us actually lost our spouses due to the damage these mental health challenges caused in our marriages. We are lonely, frustrated, and feel unloved.
Some of us are addicted to pornography. We learned it at an early age. We feel like victims as well as sinners. We hate pornography but love it. Some of us have had to give up our smartphones in order to reduce temptations. We also make our internet usage viewable by friends, and it is invasive and embarrassing. We question why God doesn’t just take the desire away so that every day wouldn’t have to be a constant battle, but we still place our trust in him.
Some of us experience unusual sexual orientations, paraphilias, that somehow did not make the cut to be included with the many letters in LGBTQ in mainstream culture. Not only the Church but even the world finds our sexual desires perverted and sometimes horrific. We didn’t choose to be sexually turned on by wearing diapers, or by physically hurting other people, or by dressing up as an animal. We desperately prayed that God would take these desires away, but he didn’t. We are unfulfilled relationally and sexually but are also convinced that marriage would not work for us because of how broken we are. We loathe ourselves. We suffer alone, trying to resist our sexual desires and remain faithful to Christ.
As previously mentioned, single same-sex attracted Christians also face the anguish of unfulfilled sexuality and a more lonely life. Christians wrestling with gender dysphoria have daily pains and longings that are hard for other Christians to even fully understand and empathize with. These Christians may have greater suffering in the area of sexuality than some others in the list above. But I don’t think it’s helpful to try to rank people’s suffering or separate some of the Christians described above from others. We each have unique struggles and we all need compassion and care. We all have broken sexuality and we all have suffering in our lives, and yet we are called to be faithful to Christ and his Word. We have to resist sinful reasons for divorcing, resist pornography, resist sexual sin, and we all have to trust Christ in spite of our suffering no matter how sexually unfulfilled we are. Thankfully Christ is with us and gives us a way out of temptation. 1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
It’s true that some Christians may suffer more in terms of sexuality while others will suffer more in other areas of life. But we are all called to take up our crosses and follow Christ. I think of the many people I know in Africa who have said “no” to their bosses who wanted them to assist in corruption and as a result they were fired from their jobs. I imagine their difficulty in providing food for their families and I respect them deeply for their willingness to follow Christ at such great cost. We are not supposed to compare ourselves to others and complain about unfair portions of suffering. Instead, we are each to embrace the suffering God has allowed in our lives or called us to bear, for reasons we don’t always understand, and seek to glorify God through it, depending on Christ and growing in holiness.
This Belittling is Driving Reinterpretation
I contend that it is the unintentional coddling or belittling of people experiencing same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria that is the key factor in driving churches to reinterpret the Bible on matters of sexuality. Consider a few ideas that have led me to make this bold claim.
First, it is not that revisionist churches love people with same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria while those with the traditional position do not. Christians on both sides of these issues love them. They all agree on the need to show compassion, to listen to people’s stories, to enfold them in the life of the church, to show hospitality to them, to walk with them through trials, and to stand up for them when they are persecuted. All of these things can be done without reinterpreting Scripture’s ethical views on sexuality. So I don’t think it’s love versus lack of love that is driving the reinterpretation. I have a deep love for people with same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria but it has not driven me to re-envision Scripture passages the way I have seen among my revisionist friends.
Second, the revisionists are not reinterpreting the Bible’s teaching on sexuality because of some startlingly new convincing exegesis of key passages. Most of the revisionists I know have been very honest with me on this point. They say that their starting point was compassion for people experiencing the confusion or pain of same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria. They saw the suffering that these Christians have gone through under the traditional biblical teaching on sexuality. This suffering did not seem fitting or right or fair, and so they went back to study the Bible afresh to make sure that we have been interpreting key passages correctly.
Third, the revisionists have not reinterpreted the Bible to try to alleviate the sexual suffering of the other Christians I have described in the list above. Most of them have not argued that divorce should be okay under any circumstance, or that pornography is okay for Christians, or that there is nothing wrong with fornication and adultery. They have only reinterpreted the Bible for those with same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria, but not for others with sexual suffering, revealing that they are following the values of the culture. To me, this also means they are not some kind of libertines that just want to promote freedom to sin. No!
Rather, for all these reasons, I think it is the belittling and othering of certain people that they have made into a separate group called “sexual minorities,” thinking they are less able to bear up under the suffering God calls them to bear, that is their main motivation to reinterpret Scripture.
Unfortunately, while their motivations might come from a place of compassion, belittling mixed together with compassion is not harmless. In fact, there is great harm being done by revisionist churches. Treating people as more fragile and unable to resist temptation may end up actually making people more fragile, encouraging them to believe that it is not really possible to overcome their sinful desires. Far worse, if those actually experiencing same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria believe the reinterpretations of Scripture, it can lead them into sin and away from Christ.
I plead with my revisionist friends who may be reading this. Your love and compassion for people suffering is admirable! But love the people you call “sexual minorities” the same way you love all of your other brothers and sisters in Christ. Believe that, like you, like all of us, they are also able to bear great suffering in this life, Christ helping them, for his glory, and with his strength and comfort. Together, let us spur each other on running the race of this life, persevering together through sufferings that come, knowing the joy that awaits us.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Anthony Sytsma was ordained in the CRC in 2011 after completing his MDiv at Calvin Seminary. He currently serves with Resonate Global Mission in Uganda.
Your list is missing one of the most common areas of suffering: people (mostly women) whose spouses abandon, betray or divorce them when they did not want or choose that, and the resulting "widowed" single parent who follow's Christ calling to not remarry - either to stay available for reconciliation or to focus on raising and healing the children of the marriage.
Hey Anthony,
I very much appreciate this article you have written. I especially appreciated the following 5 things:
1. I appreciated how you mentioned that overprotecting children from challenging ideas (though I’d also say a wider range of different perspectives on social issues in general) can potentially be detrimental to the development of their emotional intelligence, which can make them more prone to becoming anxious or distressed whenever they hear ideas/perspectives that they don’t agree with (or sometimes, even those they are just unfamiliar with or have never heard of before). I’d only add that safety-ism and overprotectiveness can also have the effect of hindering a child’s development of critical thinking skills, which is also why treating youth as if they are more fragile or less capable of learning or delving into more complex/sensitive topics than they actually are, is problematic. This is also why I - and I hope I’m not berated for saying this ( it is a general remark and therefore, not meant to be taken personally by anyone in particular) - why I think if a youth in the church expresses a desire to honestly wrestle with Scripture on the matter of same-sex marriage and/or gender variance, and expresses a curiosity for learning more in depth about the different views Christians have come to have on these matters; it is better to give them the necessary space and level of freedom they need to wrestle with Scripture on these matters (just like one would if it were any other matter), and ensure they are properly equipped with a basic understanding of biblical hermeneutics, and continually provided with the emotional support they’ll need to wrestle with Scripture on these matters, with integrity before God, than it is to discourage or stifle their curiosity and interest in wrestling with Scripture and learning more about the various perspectives Christians have on these matters, out of fear they will be led astray (which, whether or not one realizes it, may be an indicator that they do not fully trust that the Spirit is with/inside the youth and will guide them in their study and learning, and is capable of directing them away from error, or convicting them and leading them to repent when they do err in life or doctrine).
2. I appreciated that you went ahead and candidly expressed that you find the use of the term “minorities” - in discussions about certain groups of people in society and in the church, problematic. I too, have always had my misgivings with folks using the term “minorities” whenever referring to particular groups of people - though apparently not for all the same reasons that you and Kevin DeYoung do. For instance, the main reason I find the term “minorities” problematic is because while some people who are classified as a certain type of “minority” in our society, may use or are okay with using this term to describe themselves…most people classified as a “minority” of some sort in our society actually dislike the term because historically, this term was largely imposed on them by people and institutions of the dominant culture.
3. I appreciated what you said regarding how Christians often treat the materially poor. Like you, I am a person who is incredibly passionate about fighting poverty alongside and in collaboration with people who are materially poor. It is indeed troubling that we often tend to help or work with people who are materially poor more out of a sense of pity or obligation, rather than out of a sense of solidarity. But praises be to God, that there is always room for improvement! It brings me joy to know this.
4. I appreciated these words of wisdom and encouragement you offered in your article:
“We are not supposed to compare ourselves to others and complain about unfair portions of suffering. Instead, we are each to embrace the suffering God has allowed in our lives or called us to bear, for reasons we don’t always understand, and seek to glorify God through it, depending on Christ and growing in holiness.” (Amen, brother, Amen!)
5. Lastly, Anthony, what I appreciated about your article is that it left me with a greater understanding that the real challenge is making sure we don’t minimize or completely disregard the differences between the suffering of our siblings in Christ who are same-sex attracted or struggle with gender dysphoria, and the suffering of our siblings in Christ who do not experience same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria, while simultaneously making sure we don’t belittle or coddle our siblings in Christ who are same-sex attracted or experience gender dysphoria because of these differences. This does appear to be the hardest thing for some folks who hold an affirming view of gender variance and same-sex marriage as well as some folks who hold the traditional view of gender and marriage, to do well, consistently.