We Need to Focus on Pastoral Care - Part 4

by Brandon Haan

This is the fourth in a series of articles about pastoral care for LGBTQ+ people. Read Part 3

An Unexpected Journey

Over fifteen years ago I started on an unexpected journey of studying human sexuality and caring for LGBTQ+ people. 

To be honest, the first seven or so years of that journey largely consisted of the study part. I read, watched, and listened to every resource I could find as I tried to understand what it looked like for the Church to care for and enfold LGBTQ+ people. In that time, I moved from a traditional position where I didn’t see much room in the Church for LGBTQ+ people to a fully affirming position (because I assumed that was the only way to make room in the Church for LGBTQ+ people) and then back to a traditional position with the understanding that traditional pastors and churches must make room for LGBTQ+ people.

For the last eight years, then, that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Slowly but surely, I’ve been developing more and more relationships with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people, and trying to make space for them in the Church. Along the way, I’ve learned a few things about how best to engage with LGBTQ+ people as a Christian and as a pastor, often by trial and error. This article is an attempt to share some of what I’ve found helpful.

A Brief Disclaimer

I’m fully aware that, when considering moral and ethical issues, different Christians rank different aspects of the debate differently.

For instance, when considering how best to engage LGBTQ+ folks, some Christians might focus on doctrinal clarity. Others will choose to emphasize church polity. And still others will consider disciplinary approaches.

For me, though, as someone interested in mission, evangelism, and how the Church can offer a winsome witness in an increasingly post-Christian, secular age, I work to prioritize relationship and continued connection. To that end, 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 have become my “theme verses” or sorts:

Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the Gospel, that I may share in its blessings. —1 Corinthians 9:19-23 

As a result, I understand that not everyone will agree with what I’ve written below. Some of you may prioritize other aspects of this debate differently. But, from my perspective, here are my best “tips” for interacting with LGBTQ+ people personally and pastorally.

Tips for Engaging LGBTQ+ People

1. If an LGBTQ+ person comes out to you, thank them. It takes guts for an LGBTQ+ person to come out to a Christian, and even more so if you’re a pastor. Thank them for having the courage and trust in you to do that. 

2. Communicate love, acceptance, respect, and care. This does not mean you agree with everything someone believes or has told you. This is a common misconception: “If I’m caring and kind, they’ll think I approve!” No, they won’t. They’ll just think you’re a loving and caring person, and, as people saved by Christ and sanctified by his Spirit, that’s exactly what we’re called to be.

3. Don’t feel like you have to tell them your position. Maybe, for the sake of honesty or clarity, you feel you need to share your Biblical or theological position on sexuality with an LGBTQ+ person you know. But, if you’re in a relationship with an LGBTQ+ person, and they know you’re a Christian (or, at least, a Christian Reformed Christian), they likely already know your position. They probably don’t need to hear it again. At the very least, they don’t need to hear it over and over again. Instead, focus on getting to know them and continuing to care for and respect them. In my experience, that care and respect is all most LGBTQ+ people want. Some will be satisfied only with full affirmation (and I’ve had at least one close friend back away from our friendship precisely because I can’t fully affirm them), but most LGBTQ+ people I know have told me that all they really want from me is basic respect and dignity.

4. If an LGBTQ+ person asks your position, tell them, but do so graciously. See point two again. The goal is the relationship, not being right. That said, if someone presses you on what you believe, don’t withhold it. Tell them. After all, you never know what the Holy Spirit might do through your conversation. Just keep 1 Peter 3:15-16 in mind: 

   Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. —1 Peter 3:15b-16

5. Ask for their preferred terminology and, to the extent you feel comfortable doing so, use it. Do they identify as gay? Lesbian? Queer? Gender-nonconforming? Something else? Ask how they identify. Ask what it means. Ask them to explain it to you and help you understand. And then honor them by referring to them that way.

6. Ask for their preferred pronouns and, to the extent you feel comfortable doing so, use them. I know this is a controversial topic, and I know many people have good reasons for not doing this. But, in my interactions with transgender, non-binary, and non-conforming folks, this is often a door-open, door-shut issue. Put simply, if we want to have an impact for Christ with a transgender or gender non-conforming person, using their preferred pronouns (at least, early on in the relationship) is huge. It indicates to people that we’re a safe space and willing to respect and care for them. As the relationship progresses, and you get to know the person more, you might be able to have a nuanced conversation about pronouns and come to some sort of compromise, but that takes time, and, at least initially, using preferred pronouns helps transgender and gender non-conforming people to trust you.

7. If an LGBTQ+ person asks you to help them come out to others (parents, friends, church members, etc.), help them. If someone has come out to you, it means they trust you. And if they ask you to help them come out to someone else, it means they trust you even more. Even if you don’t agree with how they’re identifying, you can be a supportive, caring presence in what can otherwise be a stressful, difficult situation. 

8. If they have a partner, ask about them. We all like it when others ask about the people we care about, right? Even if you wish someone wasn’t actively pursuing a relationship, expressing interest in their significant other indicates your interest in them too, and that builds the relationship.

9. If they have a partner, ask to meet them. See the last point. Go beyond just asking about their partner. Ask to meet them too. We only know someone to the extent we know those they care about and those who care about them.

10. If they have a partner, ask if they and their partner could come over for dinner. In our post-Christian age, hospitality is a huge part of our witness. Few things communicate love and care more than a seat at our table.

11. If an LGBTQ+ person is dealing with some sort of need (food, clothing, shelter, money, mental health, etc.), ask how you can help. Spiritual care is crucially important. But so is tangible help. If an LGBTQ+ person needs some kind of assistance, ask how you or your church can provide it, and then follow through.

12. If they know your position, don’t remind them of it. See point three again. Some Christians feel like they need to occasionally “drop hints” that they still don’t agree that an LGBTQ+ friend or family member is pursuing a relationship or acting on their sexual desires. But LGBTQ+ people don’t need our reminders. Again, they already know. Just continue growing the relationship and express love and care. There might be times they’ll ask for an explanation of your position, and, in those cases, you should be honest. But respect LGBTQ+ people by talking about Biblical and theological positions on their terms, not yours.

13. Support LGBTQ+ people in their endeavors and pursuits. If a LGBTQ+ friend is a musician, go to their concert. If an LGBTQ+ family member is an athlete, go to their game. If they’re an artist, attend their exhibition. Your presence communicates interest and care, not just in their activities, but in who they are as a person too.

14. Get to know their friends and community. Just like with an LGBTQ+ person’s partner, getting to know their friends and community shows your care and interest for them. Again, you only know someone to the extent that you know those they care about and those who care about them. Get to know their community.

15. If an LGBTQ+ person suffers a break-up, grieve with them. Again, you might believe they shouldn’t be pursuing a relationship, but if they were in one, and it ends, grieve with them. Like any relationship, demonstrating basic empathy, love, and care builds our relationships with LGBTQ+ people.

16. If they start attending a church (even an affirming one), celebrate. I know many traditionalists struggle to see affirming churches as “real” churches, but if an LGBTQ+ person is new to the church or coming back after a long hiatus, any step closer to Jesus is a win. We never know what ways God may, through his Holy Spirit, work in someone’s life through his Word and sacrament. Let’s not limit the ways God might use a church, even one we disagree with, to have an impact on someone’s life.

17. Play the long game. Developing relationships and caring for LGBTQ+ people (like any of our relationships) is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t invest in someone for just one or two interactions. Rather, stick with them for the long haul. Only then can you be a light for Christ in their life. 

18. If an LGBTQ+ person rejects you at some point because of your Biblical and theological convictions, hold out hope for reconciliation. Again, we never know how God might work in someone’s life. If someone decides they can’t be friends with you because you can’t fully affirm them, tell them you understand. But make sure to communicate that you’ll be there for them if and when they want to re-engage the relationship. Again, I’m currently in this position with a close friend. My wife and I have decided that all we can do is pray for them and continue to love them, while we hold out hope for a restored relationship in the future.

19. When you hurt an LGBTQ+ person, ask for their forgiveness. Confession and repentance is a crucial part of the Christian life. Without it, we live lives closed off to grace. And yet, when it comes to LGBTQ+ people, too many Christians are hesitant to apologize. Don’t be. When you say something or do something that hurts an LGBTQ+ person, confess it, repent of it, and ask for their forgiveness. It won’t be easy, but it will build the relationship and open doors for further conversation and connection going forward.

20. Pray. I can’t change anyone’s heart. You can’t either. Only God, by the power of his Holy Spirit, can. So pray. Pray for your LGBTQ+ friends. Pray for your LGBTQ+ family members. Pray for those who know and love them too. Pray that God will work in their hearts and their minds. If they’re far from him, pray that he will draw them back to himself. Pray that he will use you in that process too. Pray for wisdom. Pray for the right words. And, again, when you mess up, pray for forgiveness.
    
    Maybe it’s just that I’ve been in professional pastoral ministry for a decade now, but over time prayer has become the single most important aspect of my relationships with others. I pray for my kids, my staff, my congregation. I pray for my friends, my neighbors, and my family members. I pray for the relationships I have with LGBTQ+ friends and family members too. I even pray God gives me more of those relationships. I pray he keeps putting LGBTQ+ people in my path, giving me opportunities to know and love them, and serve as a witness for his Gospel and grace. I humbly think you should too.

Conclusion

As Christians, we are called to treat LGBTQ+ people just as we would anyone else. That means treating them with love, respect, and care. 

In other words, it means treating them like Christ, the friend of tax collectors, prostitutes, and sinners, has already treated us. As the Apostle Paul writes to the Ephesians:

Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. —Ephesians 4:30-32

May we be kind and compassionate to LGBTQ+ people, forgiving them and asking them for forgiveness, just as in Christ God has forgiven us. In this way, we can finally start to adopt the posture of care and hospitality we said we would towards LGBTQ+ people fifty years ago.

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Read Part 5